IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, WE'LL PUNISH YOU!

SAILOR MOON IS ONE OF THE WACKIEST DRAMAS OF ALL TIME, AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE. HERE'S BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED A THOUSAND YEARS BEFORE THE MAIN STORY, THE CATALYST OF ALL THE ANGST IF YOU WILL:

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A KINGDOM ON THE MOON NEAR THE SEA OF SERENITY. THE BEAUTIFUL QUEEN SERENITY RULED OVER HER SUBJECTS WITH CARE AND GRACE. SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A HUSBAND, THOUGH, SO PRINCESS SERENITY WAS BORN THROUGH ASEXUAL REPRODUCTION OR CLONING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THE PRINCESS HAD FOUR GUARDIANS TO PROTECT HER, WHO WORE SURPRISINGLY MODERN SAILOR SPACE SUITS. ALL WAS GOING PRETTY WELL UNTIL THE PRINCESS PULLED A ROMEO AND JULIET AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE PRINCE OF EARTH.

THIS WAS A PROBLEM, YOU SEE, BECAUSE THE EARTH AND MOON KINGDOMS DIDN'T GET ALONG. WORSE STILL, THERE WAS A QUEEN ON EARTH WHO HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE EARTH PRINCE. SHE WANTED THIS MOON PRINCESS BITCH TO DIE SO SHE COULD HAVE DARLING ENDYMION ALL TO HERSELF. SO SHE STARTED A WAR WITH THE MOON KINGDOM, BRAINWASHED AN ARMY INTO FOLLOWING HER, AND SLAUGHTERED THE PRINCESS AND HER GUARDIANS. ISN'T THAT LOVELY? LUCKILY, THE QUEEN HAD A MAGIC MOON ROCK THAT SHE USED TO SEND THEM ALL 1000 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE.

THIS IS WHERE THE MAIN STORY STARTS, IN '90s JAPAN. A SEEMINGLY ORDINARY MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRL WITH RIDICULOUS HAIR COMES ACROSS A TALKING BLACK CAT WITH A CRESCENT MOON ON HER FOREHEAD. THE CAT SAYS SHE'S REALLY A SECRET MAGICAL WARRIOR FOR JUSTICE, AND SO SHE TRANSFORMS INTO SAILOR MOON FOR THE FIRST TIME AND FIGHTS CRIME WITH HER MAGICAL TIARA FRISBEE. THE OTHER FOUR GUARDIANS FROM THE PAST LIFE: SAILORS MERCURY, MARS, JUPITER, AND VENUS SOON JOIN HER, AND OFF THEY GO FIGHTING STRANGE MONSTERS WITH MAGIC AND THE POWER OF SPARKLY FRIENDSHIP.

SAILOR MARS, SAILOR VENUS, SAILOR CHIBIMOON AND SAILOR NEPTUNE ARE CURRENTLY IN THE DRESSING ROOM... JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.