So what's with that strange unpronouncable name then, Derek?

Er yes. A lot of people seem to have problems with that. But then people have problems with the simple spelling of Derek so don't blame me. What you would be blaming me for anyway I don't know but there you go. Or something. Aaanyway I arrived at this internet name from doing a bit of roleplaying some time ago. My character was called Nire. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back to where it all began. When Duncan was at university. I started posting on the usenet group alt.gothic and had to come up with a suitably goth username. I opted for something vaguely like my real name in the form of Delrich. It was fairly unique but it was crap let's face it. So anyway a few years on I decided to give myself a new name. Having been playing Duncan's roleplaying game (set on his made up planet of Jhenge) as the character 'Nire', I decided upon that as my username. It was fine for some time until I discovered people called Erin who liked to type their name backwards. Suddenly I was less unique. As such I came up with Nire-Jhenge. But didn't bother with the hyphon. Obviously. So there you go. What a thrilling story, eh?

So why are you called Derek?

Well it's the name my parents gave me. Obviously. Are you stupid or something?

Yes I am and I find your remark insulting.

Tough. I'm feeling nasty today so there.

So are you going to tell us a bit more about yourself?

If you insist.

I do.

Oh very well then. I was born in 1976. June the 14th. I don't know the exact time so sometime that day. I have blonde hair which is currently fairly long and bushy. I like to make music, be it in the form of Electronic Counter Measure, Jan Doyle Band (Duncan's in that one too!) or Defile. I like to listen to music a lot too and I'm always looking for the 'new sound'. Hopefully though I won't end up with the funk like in The Mighty Boosh. I don't like Funk music much. I do like music that is generally electronic though. Usually. I can Sing, play Guitar, Bass and Keyboards but not to a particularly high standard really with any of them. I don't let it put me off though. Oh I'm also a Radio Star now

Anything else I need to know?

Possibly. I like cats a lot. Oh and I'm a Self Employed New and Pre-Owned Entertainment Products Retailer trading in a Traditional Environment.

Doesn't that mean that you work on the market?

You had to take all the glamour out of it didn't you?

Got any chipped games?

Well I do have some N64 games. They feature chips.

You know what I mean.

Yes I do and go away.

Is that all?

It will do for now.

Isn't the style of this just a blatant copy of the sort of thing Amiga Power used to do?

Ssh!